Struggles

So I have debated this post over the weekend...honestly because I do not know if it will come across the way I truly want it too...or if it will just sound like a "complaining, poor me, get over it" kind of post...so I thought...who cares...I am using this to help me get a few things off my chest that I have been really beating myself down for....so here goes...

Struggles...we all have them and they can be just about anything...a struggle for one may not be a struggle for another...but that is what is amazing about this thing we call life...we are all uniquely made and our strengths and weaknesses play off of those that we have around us...husbands, friends, family, etc.

Lately, I am struggling ALOT as a parent.  I feel as though I am failing more than succeeding and it is really making my heart broken.  I sometimes look at those around me that are parents and they seem to have things "together".  It is hard to define this...and ultimately I know in my heart that they don't have perfect children that always listen, clean up, don't scream and cry when they don't get something they want...but I have a hard time remembering this when I am deep in tantrums and tears. 

Anyway...I compare myself to these other "together" people and begin thinking...what am I doing wrong?  When my child stands there ground and screams a loud no when I ask for them to do a simple task...is it me?  Do I expect too much?  Or are my expectations in line for their age?  Is there a different way to ask?  Should I just do it myself?  Or when things don't work out the way my child thinks it should...when life isn't fair...what do I do to help them see that it is still ok? 

My husband and I are dedicated to raising children with a heart for Christ...with encouraging words that correct and discipline when needed....I fear to kill the spirit of my child.  I want to appreciate their heart and sheer excitement and not give them boundaries that are un-needed.  But know when to say no....and be able to freely say yes and let them know it is ok to make a mess together...and laugh together...and be goofy.  Unfortunately....I find myself losing my cool. 

I falso find myself lately with little patience and not allowing myself to enjoy the small miracles of being around my children because I get caught up in doing it "right".  Too busy trying to clean house, put up laundry or even have "me" time when really taking the five minutes to sit on the floor in wrestle would bring a smile, and some perspective to all of us...especially me. 

It all came to a head for me this past weekend...I was dressed and ready to go to dinner with friends...for some "me" time...well-deserved I thought, after weeks of tantrums and craziness, when I walked out of my bedroom to yet another meltdown from my 2 year old boys, Carter and Bryce because of dinner....Austin walking around crying because of teething and possible ear infection and a little girl that kept begging me not to leave...my wonderful husband telling me, not to worry...it would be fine and to get out of the house :)  I just stood there....4 crying kids an encouraging husband who is much better at smiling and taking it all in stride....and I just start turned back into my bedroom and cried.  I was emotionally drained....needless to say I did not go anywhere that night...after a small prayer I felt that it was best to stay home with my family...but with a new perspective....a new heart and alot more patience.

I know that I am growing up as a parent as my children are growing up...we are both learning...I have only been a parent for 4 years...and in those 4 years I have had 4 children.  We are all trying to navigate ourselves through this...it is hard...the hardest thing I have ever done.  I always loved the saying "fake it until you make it..." but this is a whole new ballgame....

As I write this...all I can think about is Katelyn's love for life...the way that when she is gone at my parents to stay the night, she calls and asks to talk to each of her brothers to say I love you and ask how their day is...and then asks to talk to me and her dad to do the same....or how Bryce will hug me...and hug me...and hug me...just because and how when Carter see's something he likes....he  will say, "Oh MY GOODNESS!" and smile from ear to ear...like he has never seen it before :)  and Austin....lil' Austin...the fact that he lights up everytime I walk into the room....these little perfect people that need direction and guidance....and God chose Kevin and I.

I know this could sound like I am complaining about my responsiblities...but I am not...really it is just words from a new parent that is scared of messing up my responsibilities ;)  I chose to have these kids...and I am so glad that I did...I feel so fortunate to have these little people that love and trust me just because I am their Mom.  I just get overwhelemed...so thank you for listening ;)